when will this pass...?

So here I go again, pouring the ever-so-deeply feeling thoughts of my heart and mind down...oh here it goes again...

I seem to believe that I can't have anything come out right...intentions are pure in arriving situations, wanting to hope that everyone can be satisfied with its outcome. But I can't make that happen. I can't make anyone happy by what I do. One party is, the other not. If I change now, my decisions would be the same but in its opposite form...Did I actually make the right choice, or was I feeling like I was guilt-tripped into thinking that this is how it should be?

"No, I'm not saying that this is what you should do, but this is what I would do..." Lines like that that have to hit so hard, that I sometimes get confused all the more..."You decide what you want to do; we'll support you no matter what..." I have that assurance that it's okay for me to decide what I want, but then there's the casual: "People are going to be disappointed up here because you weren't there to be with us in this event..." or "I thought that we were together in this..."

My light seems like it has been fading gradually...this past week at every morning, I wake up like I just committed an ultimate sin against God, feeling guilty about what I chose to do, or wanted to do...Emptiness consumes me constantly, and trying to find ways to keep me upbeat again is difficult because I'll always have that cloud over my head even when there's assignments to be done, projects to work on before they're due, people asking me, "How are you today?" I lie every time...I lie...why do I fib about my behavior for the day? I don't want anybody to cut down on my love for being called a selfish jerk; my family for being needy of me; myself for being indecisive and constantly worrying of what others will think of me because of all this...

I am so exhausted of this slight depression that I would want a do-over...My chances of changing? Don't know. I'm not sure of getting too involved with my thoughts about it now because I just tire from the nightly phone calls of unsettlement, even if things were "okay." I tire of the emotional drainage that occurs of both sides. My head's been swimming in this that I feel like I've been a brick drowning slowly...

God, did I make the right choice? For I feel like I'm regretting...